crimson lines .

damage ..
pain .. sad stories .. broken pieces .. shards of glass ..
slicing crimson lines into my flesh ..
wounds of sorrow .. wounds of wise .. wounds of red .. wounds of ice ..
sweet sorrow .. sweet loneliness ..
bittersweet love ..
let it all run down ..

abandoned ..
pain .. loneliness rips apart my soul ..
i race the world through crimson streets ..
i race with a heavy heart .. i'm losing ..
eyes fill with sadness .. eyes fill with lost hope .. eyes fill with loneliness ..
let it all run down ..

crimson lines .. crimson tears ..
shedding as i walk ..
crimson gas can ..
crimson doorways .. crimson footprints ..
crimson lines that lead to that place ..
that place where i let it all run down ..

where i'm not found ..
crimson floor that i lay on .. crimson window sill .. crimson walls ..
never found ..
i poisoned this world .. so i light a match ..
and now i'm being burned ..
i fly away with crimson wings ..

drunk .

intoxicated ..
malibu .. lovin the rum ..
the taste of ur breath ..the feeling of ur skin on mine ..
everyone around us .. lost in the music .. ur hands roaming around my rib cage ..
pulling me closer .. the taste of ur breath .. hotter than before .. our lips touch .. and sends an electric pulse down my spine .. alcohol .. blurred vision .. reality isnt as close as normal .. but you're 100% real .. the music is blarring .. weed in the air .. bottles of alcohol clinging throughout the crowd .. people introducing themselves .. dancing .
and we slip away into the party .. you and i ..
and now .. i pray that i'll remember this moment ..

should that be me ?

you and i ..skin on skin . tension .
our lips touch .. electricity .. down my spine .
my best friend .. you are .. but right now you're so much more .
i know you may not feel the same ... you're with her ..
her picture is the background on your phone .. should that be me ?
maybe not .. i mean .. you're my best friend ..
you're the one i run too when i need someone to lean on ..
you're the one thats there and listens when i need someone to care ..
you're the one who holds me close and you're the one who calms me down .
when i have a nightmare and wake up sick .. you're the one thing that can clear my mind of trauma ..
i cant let myself fall for you .. though you may just be the one ..
my feelings are mixed up .. you're with her .. should that be me ?
i'm baffled and confused .. emotions tear me up .. i dont know what should happen ..
but i've been told that whats meant to be will find its way ..
and you're still with her .. but i cant help but wonder ..
should that be me ?

my best friend .. you are .

my best friend .. you are .
i am broken .. ready to dissapear .. attempting to leave as little memory of myself behind as possible ..
ur average teenager .. i am .. or so youd think ..
but you know better .. you know i have demons i'm trying to defeat .. i'm losing .
i'm too weak .. to small compared to the pain of the past .. too hurt ..
you hold me in your arms and i feel safe .. i want to cry but i dont dare show my weakness .. but i know you can feel it ..
i dont dare share my burden with you ... but i want to .. i tell you of the past ..
but the details .. i could never let those demons escape through my words ..
you can feel my pain .. see it in my eyes .. you can read me like a book ..
i've know you for soo long .. spent all of my school years in your classes ..
and i want to share this broken part of me with you .. i trust you with my life .. with my soul ..and now you know my secrets ..the reason for my fears ..
kisses on the fourhead on the cheek on the lips .. show me that you care .. about me .. about my well being ..
we could never be together .. you are my best friend ..
words as soft and comforting as a fluffly blanket ..
you make me feel human .. you make me feel real .. like a normal individual ..
time spent with you is time spent in reality .
and i love you for that ..
my best friend .. you are .

goodbye .

a tear shed ..
anger, sadness, dark memories ... that i would love to burry .. but just wont seem to die .
demons obsessed with haunting me .. obsessed with driving me so insane that reality is far from my state of mind .
i have ways to cope ...
depth perception lost, stumbling accross the floor .. i drop the empty bottle .. crack .. glass .. spread accross the floor ..
i fall to the floor with a loud thud .. and i try to focus my vision .. trying not to remember the past .. trying to get over it .. trying to move on ..
i suddenly feel the urge to once again shed some blood ..
i pick up a piece of the broken bottle and stare at it .. minutes pass ..
i put the shard against my wrist .. hesitantly slice a thin line ..
i watch the thin line fill with blood .. running red dripping on my bedroom floor..
.. i like the way the flesh is exposed ..
i stumble to the bathroom .. run the earned wound under cold water .. it stings .. a lot .. i like it ..
i wipe it off with a towel .. wrap a cloth around it to stop the bleeding ..
stumble back into my room .. fall onto my bed ..
and let the acohol carry me away into a world that reality cant find .. a place where nothing exists ..
.. a deep dreamless sleep .. a coma .. closer to death then to sleep ..
and i realize that i might not wake up .. ever ..
and i'm ohkay with that ..
goodbye horrible world ..

the end of the storm .

This storm is making it easier to breathe, but harder to sleep, the thunder rumbles through the sky into my room and in my soul, lightening strikes and i feel it, electricity, running through my veins..
i can hear the rain pounding against the cement, my heart beats against my chest, anger.
alone, i'm lonely, everything slows down...
no thunder, no lightening .. just light rain dropping on the bricks.
i can smell the rain, i sit beside the open window, i look out into the darkness of the night, i am alone, sad.
Painfully lonely, and then it hits me, the sadness, like a strong slap accross the face.
tears well up and stream down my face, tears.. made up of only sadness, loneliness, emptiness.
my tears slow, and so does my breathing, my heart still beating hard against my chest, i quickly grow weak, climb into bed, hot summer air surrounding me along with the night, swallowing me into a pit of darkness, the sound of rain fades into the background and then my thoughts travel away from reality away from the world to a place only i have seen, goodbye planet earth .. until gravity wakes me ..

angry .

I'm angry ..
flustered with frustrations .. how could you ? .. how dare you ...
i just want to curl up and melt away into the grass .. and then grow tall and go undisturbed by human activity..
inhale, exhale ... i'm fine .. i answer my own questions because i'm the only one who cares enough to ask myself ..
no i dont want to listen to what you think you need .. i want you to listen to what i need .. because thats what matters right now .. cant you see ? .. its not about you this time ..
i dont want to communicate with someone who doesnt care to hear my voice ... i dont want to be surrounded by people at all ..
i want to feel the pain of loneliness .. of emptiness ... of solitude .. and i want to cry about it .
i dont want to be disturbed by other peoples problems .. i want to focus on my own ..
i want to swim in a dark blue lake under an over cast sky and slip away into a place where not even reality can disturb me ...
i want to be free from this anger .

i see ...

he whispers "you're absolutely perfect" ...
i look him in the eye .. and i see truth .. i see love .. i see someone who goes the extra mile .. just for me .. i see a long lasting relationship and magical moments... like this one. i see my insecurities dissapear when i'm with him .. i see safety in his embrace .. i see life .. happiness to the fullest .. I see perfection .. in him .
i tear up a little .
.. i am in love .

simple .

i sit in the tall grass and strum on my six string ..
i am alone this evening .. at peace with the world .. the sun is warm on my face .. i face the river.
i pluck at the old strings .. i watch the minoes ..
i hear foot steps .. i turn around .. look .. and i see my best friend.. a yellow lab .. Dakota .
he slowly walks over .. licks my arm and walks down to the water ..
i pluck at my guitar .
the minoes circle his legs .. he snaps at them, causing me to smile .
he lays beside me and falls asleep ..
.. i strum a g chord .. pluck ..
smile ..
the sun begins to set .. red and orange spill accross the sky in slow motion .
fading to pink ..a couple stars poke out as the sky at last turns navy blue ..
i sit in silence .. Dakota asleep by my side ..
i watch the stars slowly come into site ..
... a shooting star soars accross the sky ..
i make a wish .. smile .. and then we head back to the house .

this is how i feel ..

i am at peace with myself ..
i'm not angry with myself i'm not upset. I feel calm, collected, and connected with my emotions.
i feel sad .. not in a crying kind of way ..but in a way that i am content .
all i hear is soft sad music ..
the world seems grey .. there are no vibrant colours ..
this world is cold .. but i dont mind .. i get lost in the beauty of sadness .
i dont want to be seen ... i want to go unnoticed .. i like it that way .
walk through this world as if i were invisible ..
i'm content with this loneliness .

thoughts

my body is spread out accross these blankets which i use to sleep on .. but not tonight. Tonight sleep will not bless me with its presence. so i lay awake . hour after hour. too exhausted to move. so i let the darkness cover me. lift me away out of reality. Into my thoughts . Thoughts of yesterday when we layed in the fields of green, when i was in your arms, when nothing mattered but us. thoughts move on to tomorrow .. what will happen tomorrow ? will you be there ? will you be close enough .. or will i lose you ? i'm frightened to think of what life would be like without you .. i try not to think about it .. it hurts too much .. it may sound stupid .. i may sound like a silly teenager unsure of her feelings .. but the way i feel for you is real . i could lose you easily .. so i promise i will not take you for granted ... i will love every minute .. and i will try to be perfect .. because you deserve perfection.. i'm far from it .. but the effort is worth every minute with you .. my thoughts scatter and i think of right now .. i can hear the rain .. as it pounds against the cement .. i can smell the rainkissed leaves with my face on the pillow beside the open window ..i can feel the cool air .. a breeze on my fevered skin .. i don't want to come back to reality .. i want to stay in my thoughts forever .. reality is painful .. but its real .. and i am only human .

my inspiration

i have this friend .
He wrote a poem on his blog which inspired me to create my own and show my poetry to the world . This friend of mine inspired me to write more of my poetry . To show my perspective of the world through poetry .
inspiration is a very strong thing . when i get inspired its like theres a flame in my heart and the only thing that could put that flame out is lack of motivation . but i am motivated to do this .. and keep it up all throughout the summer (: